What's better: duty or passion?

Yesterday I had an interesting chat with one of my clients.

One that sparked an idea that I think far more men need to understand.

Because we all want intimacy, and we want it often, and we want it to be as awesome as possible when it happens, and understanding this dynamic is a critical part of fulfilling that desire.

He was telling me how when he quit porn, at first, he had this mentality of...

"Oh, since I'm quitting and I'm dedicating all of my energy to her, surely my wife is going to see that and increase the frequency of our intimacy to make sure my needs are being met..."

Which is understandable.

A husband and wife do have a certain "duty" to one another, if you will.

But what he noticed was that despite the fact they have been more intimate more often, that dynamic he had in mind... never actually happened.

Instead, as his brain healed from porn, he was naturally doing some other things better.

Spending more time with her.

Having more fun.

Doing the things that make her want to open up to him.

Which is a heck of a lot better than having intimacy that comes from a sense of duty!

So we really highlighted this point that's worth sharing:

Even if you're married, I would absolutely not recommend quitting porn and just passively expecting your wife to pick up the slack and automatically satisfy your needs more.

Instead, commit to taking the time and energy you save by not using anymore...

And using it to improve your marriage.

Take charge of things.

Because the more you can make your girl feel loved, seen, heard, respected... the more she admires you, respects you, and feels good around you... the more she'll want to open up to you.

"Duty sex" simply can't hold up a candle to intimacy that comes from a place of genuine desire.

And much of this is within your control as a man.

The better you're showing up for yourself. The more grounded you are in your emotions. The better you're able to resolve conflicts. The more genuine acts of kindness and thoughtfulness you bring. The better your communication skills grow...

The more she'll want you naturally.

Yet unfortunately, much of that is stripped away while a man is still using porn.

It's simply not possible to show up as your best self while your dopamine reward center is limping along, and your frontal cortex is literally damaged from the overstimulation.

If you want to be able to focus on making your relationship as awesome as possible...

The first step is stopping porn and healing your brain.

Then, like the client I described above, you'll find you have the resources necessary to pour more energy and effort into the things that really matter. He's been clean for nearly 2 months, since the very first day we began working together, and is now actively putting the resources he was previously wasting to good use in his marriage (and more).

As he moves towards the end of the 60-day process, yesterday he was telling me...

How he's really adopted the identity of someone who just doesn't do that stuff anymore. How he can feel it deep down that he's done. He doesn't have to wait for some special moment to know he's quit for good.

He's already there.