The Damaging Effects of a Mentally Absent Father

It's no secret that fatherless homes negatively contribute to a massive amount of society's ills.

From the risk of poverty, teenage pregnancies, abuse and neglect, drug and alcohol use, crime, obesity, and dropping out of education early... fatherlessness is a pretty big risk for children.

Which isn't to say it's a death sentence, because I know plenty of people who came from messed up homes who have become successful, fairly well-adjusted people.

But this is what I see when I hear the statistics around fatherless homes:

Having a present father is a massive advantage.

And that choice of words is intentional.

Because it's entirely possible for a father to be physically there, but not really present with his family.

For him to be struggling so much within his relationship, his work, his self-worth, and his addictions that even when he's "there," he's not really there.

An example:

Tim (who gave me permission to share this) is a father of a young boy. When I met him, he was frankly kind of a mess. He was being the "man of the house" in some of the major ways, of course, by putting bread on the table and a roof over everyone's heads. But that was sorta where it ended. He wasn't actually being a very good role model for his young boy, or a good leader in his marriage either.

Because he was struggling so much with his own shit.

He was eating poorly, overweight, staying up late scrolling online and wasting time, and of course viewing porn regularly too. Everything above meant his "bedroom vitality" with his wife was... less than ideal. He was objectively interested, but his body wouldn't respond when the time came, and it was messing with both of their heads when they'd end up in bed just for more disappointment to follow.

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Anyways, that's not really the point of this message but it's an important piece of context.

Because the shit he was going through was affecting his psyche, his confidence, and his self-worth so much that even when he was "there" with his family physically... he was somewhere else mentally. He was easily irritated by his young boy. He was always feeling uncomfortable and like he "needed something," thinking about that next escapism fix. He was often worrying about his marriage that was on the rocks, where divorce had become a regular topic...

Which altogether stopped him from being the kind of father he wanted to be.

The kind of father he was missing when he was a boy.

He knew he wanted to be better for his son than his father was for him but was simply falling short on that ambition day, week, month, and year after year.

That was more or less his situation when we met, and given my experience helping men quit porn, I could clearly see how that nasty habit was a cornerstone in the other unpleasant shit he had going on. So we started working together to help him quit for good. And at first, it wasn't easy for him. To reach out for help. To start taking a closer look at his own habits and shortcomings and more. But he knew he had to do it, to revive his marriage and be the kind of father he knew he could be deep down.

This was about 3 years ago.

Tim "broke through" after about 2 months of working together. Finally had that "aha!" moment where things fell into place, he actually quit porn, and hasn't looked back. From there he's accomplished everything he wanted to.

First and foremost, he saved his marriage where divorce was basically inevitable before.

Totally healed those bedroom problems and started rocking her world on the regular. I still have some hilariously graphic texts from him about how successfully his return to the bedroom went - which I'll hold back on here to keep things at least a little classier - but let's just say... it went over her head LOL. Dude has a way with words... anyways, he was frankly "over the moon" happy. His confidence in that way continued to grow, and he kept making more moves on her, completely reigniting the passion in their marriage.

But that was just the beginning.

Because he also got his shit together in the other ways that count, too. Started taking better care of his body. Got in the gym and cleaned up his eating habits. Lost some major weight and is frankly kinda jacked these days. Started a side hustle that had him quickly earning his month's salary in just a few days' time. Interestingly, though unsurprisingly to me, these things felt natural for him to pursue as his dopamine reward center healed from the massive damage porn had been doing.

... and, to bring it back around to the original point of this email, he became a much better, much more present father.

Being a better role model in every way. Instead of showing his son a dysfunctional marriage, being an example of what good communication and healthy conflict resolution looks like. Instead of being overweight and unhealthy, becoming a physical inspiration. Instead of being easily irritated by his boy's childlike antics, flowing with them and playing with him and just generally being a really awesome dad - the kind he didn't have growing up.

What's happened in their home is going to be an incredible gift to their son for the rest of his years, and it began with that decision to fix the corrosive influence of pornography at its roots.

When he asked himself:

"Was investing in Devin's program worth it?" it took him less than a second to realize...

"Yes! I'd do it 1,000,000 times over again. Beginning in 2016, I've been to three different licensed, traditional PhD psychologists and attended multiple sessions with each. None of them worked. Why didn't they work? I have an opinion on that...

I don't believe they truly understand the issue. Sure, PMO [porn, masturbation, orgasm] falls into the bucket of a sexual addiction, but PMO addiction is in a class of its own. I don't believe traditional, licensed psychologists know exactly what it takes to solve the problem of porn addiction. They will take your 200 bucks, recommend you go to a 12-step program, set you up with another session, keep you coming back... but they won't follow up with you to give you that personalized experience. I'm not knocking 12-step, but come on, man. I needed more than that.

Plus they're too busy with 50 clients, and they're inexperienced to boot. Sure, they've been to school, but who cares? Devin has first-hand experience. He's been there himself. He knows exactly how to fix the issue because he's lived it and done it."

There's plenty more he shared, but I think I'll wrap it up there for brevity's sake.

When you, too, are ready to finally eliminate this toxic influence from your lifestyle, relationship, and home so you can be the kind of father, husband, and lover you're truly capable of being...

Download the BeFree App today and take the first step toward becoming the father your family deserves.