Something I don't want you to know about me

Last night in my men's group, we did an interesting exercise.

One that revealed some of our darkness, which every person has some of, and allowed everyone to be seen and accepted and respected still even with some of that darkness being revealed.

In fact, the exercise brought every man in that room closer to one another.

The exercise was a "popcorn-style" sharing where we were doing sentence completions...

"Something I don't want you to know about me is..."

And the things that were said in that circle will never leave my lips to anyone who wasn't there, for any reason.

But I can share something that came up for me.

Something that I still carried some degree of shame for.

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Truth is, I completely messed up every one of the opportunities I ever had prior to the age of about 19. There were opportunities, but I either missed the signals or couldn't "rise to the occasion" and didn't even know that wasn't normal because of my lack of experience. And heck, I wasn't even that interested in real women because I was undercutting my "fire" - whenever I'd start to feel a sexual charge in my body, I'd release it impulsively.

For years, it pained me to think about the experiences I could have had.

These days, I'm pretty over it, but I'll never get that time or those opportunities back.

I could have had beautiful, soul-opening experiences.

Or at least a damn good time, right? But instead I was hunched over in my room, alone, blowing it into tissues like a sad bastard.

Part of what was cool about this exercise, though, was that at the end we did a closing exercise to let what we'd shared go. To release it, so we wouldn't need to carry its weight on our shoulders anymore. And it was actually very easy to release it... Because while there's a part of me that didn't want people to know because it's a part of my past I ain't particularly proud of...

I am so proud of who I've become because of those experiences that it's totally overshadowed by the presence of "current me" and the better experiences I've had since quitting porn.

It was interesting to reflect on my past.

And even more interesting to feel how different my current reality is, in contrast.

Deep connection, friendships, strong values, a fit body, security mentally emotionally and financially... Just comes naturally to the man I've become.

Frankly, I'm not sure where else I'm going with this.

But I felt compelled to share.

And if you're tired of porn being this thorn in your side that's messing up your ability to connect with women and be who you know you can be deep down...

Don't let those patterns continue unchecked for years more, because a better you is waiting just on the other side of truly quitting.

Download the BeFree App and start your journey to freedom from shame and addiction.