Urge Surfing: How I Learned to Ride Out Cravings Without Relapsing

I was on day 14 of my recovery when it hit me—a craving so intense it felt like my skin was crawling. Home alone on a Friday night, the familiar pattern seemed inevitable: resistance, weakening resolve, and finally, relapse.

But this time was different. Instead of my usual desperate attempts to distract myself or white-knuckle through the discomfort, I tried something that would transform my recovery journey: I decided to surf the urge.

The technique I'm about to share became my most powerful tool for navigating cravings without relapsing. It didn't make the urges disappear—but it fundamentally changed my relationship with them, turning moments of vulnerability into opportunities for growth.

Why Traditional Approaches to Urges Failed Me

For years, my strategy for dealing with urges followed two main approaches:

Distraction and avoidance: Frantically trying to divert my attention elsewhere
Willpower battles: Engaging in exhausting mental arguments with myself

Both strategies occasionally worked in the short term, but they shared a fatal flaw: they treated urges as emergencies that needed to be eliminated. This approach exhausted my mental resources and left me defenseless when distractions weren't available.

I needed a better approach—one that didn't depend on perfect conditions or superhuman willpower.

🧠 Understanding What You're Up Against
Learn about the neurological basis of porn addiction in The Complete Guide to Quitting Porn: A Step-by-Step Recovery Roadmap.

The Discovery That Changed Everything: Urge Surfing

I first encountered "urge surfing" while reading about mindfulness-based approaches to addiction recovery. Developed by psychologist Alan Marlatt, the technique is based on a radical premise: instead of fighting urges, what if we observed them with curiosity and allowed them to pass naturally?

The metaphor clicked immediately. Urges are like waves—they rise in intensity, peak, and eventually subside. Fighting a wave is exhausting and often futile. Surfing that same wave requires skill, but it transforms a potentially threatening force into a ride that can even become empowering.

The Science Behind Why Urge Surfing Works

When we experience an urge to use porn, several brain regions activate, including those involved in reward anticipation, emotional processing, memory, and habitual behavior patterns.

Traditional resistance approaches actually maintain this activation, keeping our attention focused on the very thing we're trying to avoid. It's like trying not to think about a pink elephant—the instruction itself keeps the image present.

Urge surfing works differently by:

Activating the prefrontal cortex: The observational stance engages our executive function
Creating psychological distance: By observing rather than identifying with the urge
Allowing natural extinction: Urges that aren't acted upon eventually decrease in intensity
Building new neural pathways: Each successful "surf" strengthens recovery-supportive brain circuits

I experienced this firsthand. Each time I successfully surfed an urge instead of acting on it, the next urge became slightly easier to handle.

My Step-by-Step Urge Surfing Method

Through trial and error, I developed a specific approach that worked for me:

1. Recognition

The first crucial step is recognizing when I'm experiencing an urge. I learned to watch for my personal early warning signs:

Restlessness or fidgeting
"Checking out" mentally during routine activities
Rationalizing why "just this once" would be okay
Finding excuses to be alone with technology
Feeling unusually irritable or bored

2. Pause and Breathe

Before doing anything else, I take three deep breaths. This creates a critical moment of space between the urge and my response. The breathing pattern I use is:

Inhale slowly through the nose for 4 counts
Hold briefly at the top
Exhale slowly through the mouth for 6 counts

3. Name and Locate

Next, I mentally name what I'm experiencing: "This is an urge. This is my brain seeking dopamine from a familiar source."

Then I identify where I feel the urge physically in my body—tension in my chest, restlessness in my legs, or a general sense of agitation.

4. Adopt the Observer Stance

This is the heart of urge surfing. I mentally step back and observe the sensations with curiosity rather than judgment. I might say to myself:

"I notice there's tension in my chest. I'm feeling restless. There's a strong desire to act on this urge. I'm going to observe these sensations as they change."

5. Ride the Wave

As I continue observing, I track the intensity of the urge moment by moment, rating it on a scale of 1-10 every 30 seconds or so.

What I've consistently found is that urges follow a predictable pattern:

They intensify initially (sometimes quite strongly)
They plateau at peak intensity
They begin to diminish
They eventually subside to a manageable level

I remind myself that no urge lasts forever.

6. Record and Reflect

After successfully surfing an urge, I take a moment to record the experience in my BeFree app. I note what triggered the urge, how intense it became, how long it lasted, and any insights gained.

💪 Build Your Complete Recovery System Urge surfing works best as part of a comprehensive recovery approach. Learn how to create one in Values-Based Recovery: Aligning My Actions with What Truly Matters.

Real Life Example: My First Successful Urge Surf

To make this concrete, let me share the details of my first successful experience:

I was alone on a Friday night, scrolling through social media when I encountered a triggering image. Immediately, I felt the familiar cascade of sensations that typically led to relapse.

I noticed my breathing getting shallow and a slight tension in my chest. I put down my phone and took three deliberate breaths. I said to myself, "This is an urge. I'm feeling it primarily as tension in my chest and a pulling sensation in my lower abdomen."

I imagined stepping back from the sensations, watching them as if they were happening to someone else. The urge initially intensified to about an 8/10. I continued breathing and observing without judgment. After about two minutes, it plateaued. Three minutes later, it had decreased to about a 6/10. By the ten-minute mark, it was down to a 3/10—still present but no longer overwhelming.

The most significant insight was that the urge didn't maintain its intensity. Like a wave, it rose, crested, and receded. This simple realization was profoundly liberating.

Common Challenges and How I Overcame Them

While urge surfing has been transformative for my recovery, it wasn't without challenges:

Challenge #1: The Urge Seems Too Intense

Some urges felt too overwhelming to observe dispassionately. In those moments, I found it helpful to focus very narrowly on my breathing, use physical grounding techniques, and start with shorter periods of observation.

Challenge #2: Mind Wandering During Observation

Often my mind would drift from observation to fantasy. When this happened, I gently brought my attention back to physical sensations without self-criticism and used mental labeling to create distance from these thoughts.

Challenge #3: The "Special Case" Rationalization

My mind would often try to convince me that "this time is different" and urge surfing wasn't necessary. I countered this by recognizing this as a standard addiction thought pattern and committing to always try urge surfing for at least 10 minutes.

🔄 When Setbacks Happen
Learn how to use relapses as learning opportunities in The Growth Mindset: How I Transformed Relapses into Recovery Fuel.

Integrating Urge Surfing Into Daily Life

Over time, I learned to integrate urge surfing into my daily routine in several ways:

Regular Practice Sessions: I practiced even with mild discomforts to strengthen the skill.
Adaptation for Different Contexts: I developed variations for different situations (mini-surfing for public places, walking surfing, bedtime surfing).
Integration With the BeFree App: The BeFree app became an essential companion to my practice, helping me log experiences and track patterns.

The practice also brought unexpected benefits beyond urge management:

Increased emotional awareness
Reduced general anxiety
Improved impulse control in other areas
Greater self-compassion
Enhanced present-moment awareness

Your Turn: Getting Started With Urge Surfing

If you're inspired to try urge surfing in your own recovery journey, here's how I recommend getting started:

Begin With Brief Practice Sessions: Start with 2-3 minute sessions, gradually extending as you build comfort.
Use Guided Resources: The BeFree app offers guided meditations designed specifically for porn recovery.
Start With Mild Discomforts: Practice with mild urges before attempting to surf intense cravings.
Track Your Results: Document your experiences to see your progress over time.
Be Patient With the Learning Curve: Like any skill, urge surfing takes practice.

Conclusion: From Fighting Waves to Surfing Them

Learning to surf urges rather than fight them transformed my recovery journey from an exhausting battle to a process of growth and empowerment.

Before, each urge was a crisis that threatened to derail my progress. Now, I see urges as opportunities to strengthen my recovery muscles. I no longer fear being alone with my thoughts or worry that a strong craving means inevitable relapse.

This doesn't mean recovery is always easy. There are still challenging days and powerful urges. But urge surfing has given me a reliable, sustainable way to navigate these challenges without resorting to porn.

If you're struggling with seemingly overwhelming urges, I encourage you to try this approach. You may discover, as I did, that the very waves that once threatened to drown you can become the vehicle for your freedom.

Download the BeFree app today to access guided urge surfing meditations and start tracking your journey toward freedom from porn addiction.